I dreamed a dream in time gone by

I'm rounding out the last part of my trip home. It's at this point of the trip that I'm over the "man I just really want to get back to Utah" and I'm at the "man, I really don't want to leave" part. This is a process I go through every time I come home. It always happens after I go and see my extended family. I always get a little nostalgic and start to think about how it was growing up, when everyone was close and we all lived within 10 mins of each other. I miss those days. I was particularly close to my cousins Mary and Anna. You all have heard about Lora from previous posts, for all my loyal readers (hahaha yeah right) out there. Let me stop for a minute and tell you about the awesomely beautiful Anna and Mary. We'll start with Mary, since she's the oldest. 

My fondest memories of Mary are sleepovers at her house and drinking Dr. Pepper out of baby bottles (misguided but don't knock it until you try it). We always did ridiculous photo shoots. After torturing her little brother and several wardrobe changes later, we have some pretty rad photos that will never see the light of day. Let's just say, girls should never be allowed free reign of a camera during the awkward preteen phase of life. Then Mary got her license and we had such good times riding in her convertible BMW. Yeah, be jealous. I still can't hear a song by Aliyah or old school Jay-Z and not think of that car and Mary. Such good times. A couple of times, I almost moved in with Mary, and something always came up that prevented it from happening. I miss her all the time though. 

Then there was Anna. That's Lora's older sister for those of you who know Lora. She lived right at the bottom of my driveway and inevitably we spent endless nights staying over at each other's houses. She always came and cleaned my room when I had to get it done before we could play. I could never find anything after that. Anna is literally good at everything. Anything she tries, she will excel at it. It drove me nuts when I was younger and for a while, I always felt jealous of her in some ways because everyone always compared me to her. I felt she was this beacon of awesomeness that I could never live up to. I don't feel that way anymore. Not because she isn't still awesome at literally everything, but mostly because a few years after Anna was at college and married to someone out in Utah, and I was still living in VA, I started missing her like someone would miss an arm that was amputated. My ex husband asked me one time, what I would do if he died. Without me even answering, he said "You'd move to Utah wouldn't you? You miss Anna that much, don't you?" (That wasn't verbatim but that was basically what he said. Not even I can remember exact wording after this long) He was right though. I did move to Utah, and she moved here not too long after. Haha, awesome. 

When you look back on your childhood, it's easy to long for the days when times were simple and the only worries we had were which outfit to wear for the next photo shoot, or how we were going to get the motorcycles home when they broke down. Now it's, how I'm going to pay the rent and pay for tuition this semester? What am I going to do with the rest of my life? Now we make decisions that affect the rest of our lives, not just the rest of the day. That gets in the way sometimes. It gets in the way of spending time with the people you love. I never seem to have enough time to see everyone that I want to. I never am able to express to the people around me how much they mean to me. If I could write a blog about each one of my cousins, I would. I mean, I guess I could, but ain't nobody got time for that. Each one of them has impacted my life in some way, whether they know it or not and I hope they all know how much I love them.

Mary and Anna, this one is dedicated to you two and I hope you know how much the two of you shaped my life. I miss you both daily and think about you often. I found a few gems while I was home and I think we should recreate some of these very soon. Love you both.

Anna, Mary, and I with our Grandma and Grandaddy

Anna, Mary, and I at my house

Disclaimer: Sorry for the blurriness, I literally took a picture of a picture because I'm super high-tech and cool like that. Also, was there a predestined order we always sat in? Anna, recognize that face? I'm pretty sure that's one of your daughter's faces. ;)

Anti-feminism Feminism

So all day I've seen various different people on my Facebook liking various different posts on the wall of "Wear Pants to Church". I thought about weighing in on the wall but realized, I was not going to get anywhere with those people, and seeing some of the feeds, people were actually quite disrespectful. I think fighting and arguing over something like that is exactly what the Church would not want to have happen. So, I decided to write a blog post about it. Since it's been forever since I posted, it was probably about time anyway. Also, I'm further procrastinating writing my last final. Winning!

Here's my take on the whole feminist push going on within the Church right now. First of all, I get it. We women are powerful creatures that can do most anything a man can do. I've done things my whole life that were typically considered "men's". I rode dirtbikes growing up. I can tell you what most any car is and what model it is. I was a volunteer firefighter. I can tell you what engine is in any of the various makes of diesel trucks. I don't sew, I don't knit, and I definitely don't scrapbook. At one point, I even looked into joining the Navy. Does this make me any less of a woman? Absolutely not. Does that mean that I don't appreciate a guy being a guy? Nope sure doesn't. I disagree with policy in intramural sports that say that the woman's points count twice where as a man's only counts once. I fully believe that if a girl wants to play with the boys, she better be able to compete with the boys. If she can't, she shouldn't feel oppressed or discriminated against because she is not allowed to do something. There are inherent things that men are better at then women. That's ok. Guess what. There are TONS of things that women are better at then men. It's biology people. We are different. Our bodies are put together different, we have different parts, our brains even function differently. This is a good thing. Ancient Native American traditions, ancient Chinese traditions, and creation stories focus on the duality of everything. Not to compete with each other but to compliment each other. Why we can't accept that there are differences and that it is not a bad thing is beyond me.

You know who oppresses women these days? Women. We look down on each other for wanting to be "just a mother". Since when did this become a derogatory thing? Since when did this become a concept that made an entire religion wrong and oppressive because they celebrate this God given right to create life and raise the next generation? When you are dead and gone, chances are, no one is going to remember what your occupation was. They aren't going to remember what your income was the year you turned 35. What people will remember, and what will live on for generations, is the lessons you teach them as a mother. The values you instill in a child that they then teach to their children, and their children's children. This is greatness my friends.

If you choose not to have children, great, that's your prerogative. I won't judge you for that, or think you're some psycho feminist that needs to be tranquilized. However, don't judge a Church that does nothing but celebrate the role women play and have always played in the world. They created one of the first ever women's organizations. From the time of Joseph Smith, where he revered his wife so much, as to go to the Lord for inspiration for her time and time again. Shoot, because she complained about chewing tobacco, we now have the Word of Wisdom. Women have always played and will continue to play an integral role in this Church. I've never felt that we don't get enough "air time" at Conference. Shoot, we have our own conferences. There isn't a young men's broadcast, but there is a young woman's broadcast. You don't see the Young Men all up in arms about that now do you? Anyone ever been to Time Out for Women? Awesomeness just for us ladies. I've even heard Church leaders say that it is the job of the fathers to take the children outside during sacrament when they are disruptive. So tell me again, how are we oppressed in our religion?

I have never felt anything but exactly what the Church teaches that I am. A daughter of my Heavenly Father who he loves me very much. That doesn't mean he loves his sons any less. A love for one, does not take away a love for another, just as my feminine attributes do not take away from my male counterparts' in any way. We have a divine purpose as women, we don't need the priesthood to fulfill our divine roles. The men do. Why begrudge them this gift when we have so many of our own? We simply sound like a bunch of spoiled brats that want everything that someone else has, as well as what is given to us.

If you want to wear pants to church on Sunday, more power to you. I have no idea what that is doing for your cause. All I know is, I base what I wear to church to take the sacrament as what I would wear to the temple. After all, the Sacrament is a sacred ordinance and should be treated with the same respect as the temple. The Lord has asked that I wear a skirt, I'll wear a skirt. You can argue that is asked of me by the Church and not the Lord, but I argue that it is one in the same. I'll continue to wear a skirt none the less. I understand why I'm going to church on Sunday and it has nothing to do with the people that I find there. It has everything to do with the covenants I have made with my Heavenly Father. I'll answer to him. He created me so that I could do all things through him. He's given me the type of strength that I've only ever seen in women. For that, I'm grateful. I also am grateful for the faithful men that he has placed in my life that hold the Priesthood and have therefore been able to bless my life. In that, we are a partnership, and that is His plan.

Mamas

Is one day out of the year to honor our mothers really sufficient? Probably not. To the women who gave us life, taught us how to safely cross a street, kissed our bruised bodies and egos, and taught us right from wrong, I salute you. You are who make the world go round. You are who raised the world leaders of today and are currently raising the ones of tomorrow. Mothers are not only the ones who raise you and gives birth to you, but the women you come into contact with every day that teach you lasting truths. My aunts were second mothers to me and still are very much so to this day. These women have taught me how to be a great woman, just by the examples that I see out of them every day. I wish everyone I knew, had a chance to meet these great women. They would be better for having known them. On this day to pay homage to our mothers, I'd like to discuss my own precious mother and how she has shaped me into the woman I am today. She is very much her mother, and I am very much mine. That's ok because the woman that raised her was great, and the woman that raised me, was great as well. Selfless almost to a fault, she taught me how to love with a christlike love. Her example of this is what fuels my compassion for people I come into contact with every day. My mother has taken the time to get to know me in such a  way, that I could walk into a room smiling and laughing but hurting inside and my mother knows. She would immediately say, "whats wrong?" and wouldn't accept a "nothing" answer. This continues even 2000 miles away. Just by the tone of my voice when I say hello to her, she can tell when I'm happy and when I'm not. My mom often tells me that I can call day or night if I need to talk, that the hour does not matter. I have never called her in the middle of the night just to chat, although she tells me all the time I can. It's nice to know that should I choose to call her at 3am just to shoot the breeze, she'd be up and ready to talk to me. She's amazing like that. She's the hardest worker I know, not just in her occupation, but in all aspects of her life. Her work is never done, it seems like. She is always doing for other people. I am the person I am today, because of her. 

When I surprised my mom by coming home for Christmas. 

This photo almost makes me cry every time. 

Can't you see the adoration in her eyes?!?!

Home Stretch

So here's to my first complete year back at school. Almost over. Whenever something is ending, I'm always reminded of how far I have to go. Not in a bad way anymore, but in an exciting, I'm going to enjoy it while it lasts way. Summer is coming up and I'm pretty stoked because summer is my favorite time in Utah. I played around with the idea of going home for the summer, but it just doesn't seem to fit anymore. Minor mental break down, but I'm fine now, thanks for asking. So I was thinking today about where I want to go with my life and I can honestly tell you that I'm not really sure. My latest kick, thank you Joylin and Cultural Anthropology is still graduate in Anth obviously, because I love it, but then I'm thinking maybe I want to work for a non-profit incorporating Anthropology somehow. It seems to fit quite nicely actually. I honestly just want to do something with my life that means something. Not that my life hasn't meant anything up to now. I think our lives always mean something based on the people we touch, but I mean really do some good in the world. I want to meet the people of the world. I find that the more I learn about other people's cultures and way of life, the more compassion I have for the people of the world. I heard a song today that really struck me. It was talking about you pick the date and I'll pick the city kind of a thing. I love that. I want to be able to just call up a good friend and say, "hey, next month, let's meet in Barcelona, or Santorini, or Istanbul." Awesome. Life goal attained. All after listening to a 3 minute song on Youtube. Yep, I'm really simple folks. So, that leads me back to my present state. Do I have that option right now? Um, no, but that's ok. Right now, I've gotta focus on the big picture. That's getting this education thing done so I can move on with my life. Until then, I want to explore this side of the country. Who's in for the Grand Canyon??????

Here's a little auditory snack for ya!

Happy Easter!

I love Easter. I love the candy, I love the new dresses, I love that it's spring and always seems to be sunny on Easter. What I especially love though, is my family. There are select holidays when my entire family gets together. We always spend Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter, and Mother's Day as a family. By family, I mean my aunts, uncles, and cousins. We pack a house full of children and people and just eat, laugh, and have a good ole time. Times like these are what I miss the most living in Utah. I grew up as close to my cousins as I did my own sisters. I am just now realizing how rare that is. When I talk about my family, I literally mean my extended family. I wasn't just raised by my parents, I had examples in my aunts and uncles. These are the people that helped to shape my life and self just as much as my parents. I feel like that's the way it should be. I want that for my kids. It takes a village to raise a child, and I fully believe that. Going home for me, is seeing all these people, not just my immediate family. We vacation together, we celebrate holidays together, we even sometimes move away from home together. One thing is for certain though, I will never be alone in this world because I have the greatest extended family in the world to fall back on. I come from a long line of strong women that I am proud to call family. My great great great? (not sure how many greats) grandmother was the first to join the church in our family. As a result her store, which consequently was her home as well, was burnt down. This was her family's livelihood. She said, "they can take everything, but they cannot take my testimony". This is the example I have to look to. What a woman! From her and her husband, we have several families that have branched out and formed quite an impressive bunch of the Ferguson family. What a legacy! If you've ever been to an LDS church in South Western VA you have met at least one person from my family. It's the whole Roanoke VA Stake. No joke. Not even exaggerating. Our family was asked to stay behind and not migrate to Utah to build up the church in our area. We were also promised that the future generations would find worthy mates. What a promise for a family! I'm so proud of my heritage. I'm proud of the women who have come before me to show me the way. I'm proud of the family I come directly from, that still get together on holidays and keep traditions alive. I miss them terribly. I know that somehow, some day, I'll be able to sealed to them and keep our family together forever. Nothing makes me happier than that thought. Happy Easter everyone! 

For an Easter snack, enjoy these pics of my crazy family.

This is what is known as the Redneck Yacht Club

How many people should fit on one of those has never been a concern of ours.

We all look ROUGH!

Oh just a few of us.

We make weddings look good.

Lora's first concert! 

Don't they all look overjoyed?

Redo!

I've been forming this blog post in my mind for quite some time now. Due to a mandatory weeklong social media fast, I came up with this idea but was unable to put it done on virtual paper. Well, I'm sitting in astronomy class, which is clearly exactly where I should be blogging right? Probably not since I'm rocking a B in this class and really wanted an A. That is neither here nor there people, stay on task, this is my blog and I'll do what I want! So, I've compiled a mental list of moments in life that I wish I could relive and redo and keep exactly as they were. Let's start off with the best feeling in the entire world....

The start of summer break. 

Is there anything more exhilarating? I submit that there is not. I thought it was great in elementary school and jr. high but that was nothing compared to when we got to high school and became mobile. The start of summer meant freedom as we had never experienced it before. We hit the town hard that night. I had a group of friends that we had named the "posse". Don't judge. We ran amok in our city and had a massive sleepover that was just so fun. Blink-182 was the soundtrack of our lives that summer. The feeling of the start of summer is something that nothing else can compare to. In college, you can't just check out of responsibility for a few months. The start of summer just means the start of working intermixed with some vacations. In high school though, it meant absolutely nothing to do but chores at home and hanging out with friends. Awesome. 

When you find out your crush has a crush on you.

This is that thrilling moment when you realize all your adolescent dreams are coming true. You truly will be whole forever now because you and him are going to get married and have lots of babies and be blissfully happy and be rich and travel the world and blah, blah, blah, blah. I don't care who you are, this moment was awesome! You ran and told all your friends and screamed like a little school girl (b/c I'm a girl and that was allowed). Destiny had finally smiled upon you. Granted it was when you were 13 and your bliss probably lasted 3 days before you had a bitter break up via a note passed to you written on college ruled paper and folded into some sort of object that can be doubled as a finger football. Tragedy. Heartbreak was something akin to Chinese water torture and you probably wouldn't be whole again. That is until that other guy you had a crush on decides he'd like to "go out with you" for a week and see if you guys have a "future". Ah, young love.

Leaving on vacation.

Let's get real, packing sucks. Also, sitting around waiting for your parents to get everything ready to leave and packing the cars, trucks, campers, boats, etc sucked real bad. Pulling out of the driveway, however, was amazing! Being on the highway headed for your destination and the weeklong worry free vacation was just stellar! I still love roadtrips for this reason, I think. Anticipation of awesomeness is almost as good as awesomeness itself. 

Meeting someone that truly inspires you.

Do you ever meet someone and just a conversation with them makes your chest burn and feel like you are enlightened to a new way of thinking? Wow, that sounds so sappy and new age but it's happened a few times in my life and it is awesome when it does! I met such a woman yesterday in the writing lab at UVU. We talked about how I should finish my degree and move to Australia. Who knows if that will happen but talking to this woman inspired me in so many ways. Thanks UVU!

Fieldtrips.

I don't know what it was about fieldtrips when I was younger but nothing got me more excited. I could hardly sleep the night before I was so excited. I would get butterflies whenever I thought about the anticipation I was feeling. Maybe it was just that, more anticipation that I loved, or maybe it was just the fact that it was a break from the mundane school day, who knows. Either way, definitely my favorite part of school.

First kisses. 

Although the moment leading up to these are ALWAYS awkward, sometimes it is completely and 100% worth it. It's one thing to kiss someone that you are mildly attracted to/interested in, but it is another thing entirely to kiss someone you really like for the first time. Nothing short of extraordinary. 

All day playing in the woods.

My childhood home was nothing short of every child's dream. We were surrounded by woods and my family had made outdoor play a way of life. We had dirt bikes and would take off to play in the woods all day, only stopping to eat. No, we didn't go home to use the bathroom, that was for city slickers, which we were not.  We were also surrounded by cousins and so every day after school was spent in the woods, pretending we were orphans who had to build a house, and live off the land. Cops and robbers was also a way of life. I would give anything to go back for a day and play with all the cousins like time didn't matter again and the only deadline we had was dark. That was important since we still hadn't rigged a very good system for attaching a flashlight to the front of the motorcycles to be used as a makeshift headlight. Very non-reliable when blasting through the woods at 20mph. 

I can think of so many more but someone has to go get Jordan fed. Bless his heart. PS, he's not obese. (He wanted me to clarify)

Used to be

So for quite some time now, I've been semi-obsessed with the feeling that I've completely lost who I used to be. I called and talked to my cousin, that I have been super close with all my life. She always tells me that I was her social life growing up. That I forced her out of her shell and into the social world. I was the social butterfly. My mom similarly always tells me I'm her little social butterfly, that I'm a people person, and that my personality attracts people. What the heck happened? Where did I go wrong along the lines that that side of me just vanished? Since when have I been 100% content sitting at home on the weekends? In high school and the first part of college, I thrived on my social life. My best friend in high school could even tell when we hadn't hung out with enough people, I'd get semi-depressed, almost like a social cabin fever. I needed people to rejuvenate me. That's how I got my energy. Maybe it's because after my week, I'm just too tired to rally and face the world. Maybe I feel too old for the circles I'm running in. Maybe life experience has made me a bitter, cynical person who has no desire for anything new anymore. No, I don't think it's any of those things. I think Anna's right, the problem is....I'm content. You might not think this is a bad thing. For many, it isn't. However, for me, it absolutely is. I think we all have different talents, and they manifest themselves in a lot of different ways. I can get along with virtually anyone. I find, I can connect on some level with pretty much anyone and can adapt to fit into any social mold that I need to. Not in a fake way, mind you. But in a way that I understand that we are all human, and as such we all have the same basic wants and desires (perhaps showing a little naive realism here, but just go with it). Sometimes, you have to put aside your own selfishness to learn what makes someone else tick. I have friends from all walks of life, and I love them for all sorts of different reasons. One of the things my ex used to make fun of me for all the time was the fact that I love making connections with people. Who knows who. Who do I know, that you know? It's fun for me and makes the world seem like a much smaller place. He also thought it was so strange that I wanted to maintain relationships with people that were once part of my life. I think it's strange when people don't. Moving to Utah, people are so cyclical in your life that I've become accustomed to not maintaining these friendships. It's sad to me, when I think about it. When did this become the norm? When did there become a friend quota in my life and suddenly there's no room for more? Somethings gotta change. I have to make a conscience effort to be patient with people anymore when they want to chat with me or be my friend. What happened to the girl that could make friends with anyone? I want that girl back. That's the talent I've been ignoring. That's the one, I've been hiding under a bushel or burying. So from now on, let's all be friends ok? Where are all the cool people at?

I get it now

So basically I have never been one for much self discipline. I have never been one for self motivation either. The older I get the more and more I realize I want to be self disciplined and self motivated, the more I also figure out that I kinda am. When I make a decision, I can generally stick to it. It's a mental thing, all I have to do is remind myself that I made a goal and I'm not going to let myself down. It works. Well I had a conversation the other night with Bryce about whether or not we were the kind of people who could push themselves to physically get sick by working out. I said I didn't think I was because, I hate throwing up first of all, and second of all, I'm just not a big fan of pushing my body that far. Well, I was wrong. I have yet to throw up, but something has definitely snapped inside of me. The other night I pushed myself well over what I thought I was capable of and pushed past the point where I wanted to stop on the treadmill. Victory #1! 

Let's talk about spinning class for half a second. That class is enough to kill anyone! Half way through I'm feeling pretty fatigued, I don't have my whole heart into it. I want to, but it's just kinda hard to push myself at this point. That's when the song changed to "Stronger" by Kelly Clarkson came on. I don't know what it was but something in this song made me want to push myself. So I did, I went at it hard, way past the point of my legs burning and sweat dripping all down my face and back. I was loving it! I didn't want this for anyone but me. I was the one cheating myself if I didn't give it all I had. It didn't hurt that Lora was right beside me pushing herself just as hard. She's an inspiration in and of herself ladies and gentlemen. I'd like to take this time to publicly thank her for the opportunity and her knowledge of the human body that has brought about this change. You're great Lora Sue! 

As you enjoy this song, I want you to picture sprinting through all of the chorus. Quite effective right?!

My Analysis of The Vow

First of all, let's establish something. I'm a crier. I don't care if it's a sports movie, a sappy movie, a surprise reunion, or even that bloody Wal-Mart commercial where the soldier Mom comes home from war just in time for Christmas, I'm going to cry. Let's get real here people. After I watched Titanic, I sobbed for an hour. An hour! I didn't have any idea what love was at that point, but I was sure those people would never recover from the loss of it. The Vow was good. Was it a good idea to go on Valentine's Day when I had already had a good pre-game pity party for my well established singledom? Probably not. Either way, we went. I'm not going to give anything away in this post, no worries for those of you who haven't seen it. Well, at least, not anything that isn't already given away in the trailer. Sometimes, I have found recently, that certain movies strike different cords in me and bother me in ways that I didn't expect. I liked The Vow. I think it is a totally plausible storyline (obviously since it's based on a true story). What I didn't like was the feeling of frustration for unrequited love that he felt the whole time. It's an all too familiar feeling for me and for some reason bothers me more now than it ever did when I was living through it. The fight for love from one's spouse is a hopeless feeling and I didn't like feeling that throughout the movie. Granted, it's not her fault, she doesn't remember. Either way, totally depressing. Can we talk about good 'ole Leo for a second though. He's so patient with her and he loves her with a love that is total and all encompassing. I love his character and how he just wants her to be happy despite everything he is feeling. I love his gentleness. I love how he's willing to drop everything to make her fall in love with him again. So precious. If only life were always that simple and you could find that one person who will love you totally and completely that way. Sometimes I have a hard time with movies like that because all they do is make you reflect on the love you don't have or worse the love you've lost. So here's a question, is it better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all? Anymore I can't decide but most days I'm leaning towards, no. No it's not. 

Shout out to Shelbs

I wish I could make you guys understand just how much i love this girl.

She...
kicks me in the butt constantly and gets me out there doing what I actually want to be doing.
This girl is a ball of pure energy, all the fetching time. This results in me being energized just by coming home. Let me just share with you guys a few of our adventures lately. We went snowboarding, very last minute decision. I'm terrible, and I do mean horrible. I would like to improve and I felt like I did a lot better this year than last year. I have the bruised body and ego to prove that I improved just a fraction from last year. A fact that I'm sure would make JPed proud.
Here's how it went on the hill. At one point, Shelby decided she needed to learn to ride her board toe side. This resulted in her barreling down the mountain at an uncontrollable speed towards little old me who was gliding along at my safe controlled pace. I had very little time to react when I heard her scream, "Danielle, get out of the way!" Right, like that was going to happen when she was right behind me. So we crashed, and we crashed hard. She basically took out my feet, Her board took out my arm specifically, I ended up behind her, she ended up in front of me, my board was pointed towards the top of the mountain and we both basically just laid there groaning and laughing. I'm sure the people on the ski lift above got quite a show. You are welcome. Fast forward to the next time down. I'm riding toe side this time and somehow fall on my butt. Lucky for me, I have so much momentum that I end up on my front side. I had managed to do a complete somersault down the mountain. Beauty and grace, it's what I'm full of. I"m sure the people above me enjoyed that as well. You are welcome again.
All in all, it was a fantastic day. We're going snowtubing this Friday. Let's see what shenanigans we can get into. It's how we do. :)

The Atonement

Every once in a while, I take a step back and realize just how little I actually understand about this incredible gift and how much my Father in Heaven actually loves me. Me. Just me. Don't get me wrong, I'm not an isolated case, he loves us all, but for just a second, I need to focus on his love for me. I never realized how I pictured meeting the Savior until I was really thinking about it in church on Sunday. I've been studying 3 Nephi where the Savior comes to the people, so it got me to thinking about it. I'm sure we can all imagine or remember back to a time when we've met someone famous, or important in some way shape or form. I've always found that it's kind of a let down. Like the image of the person never really lives up to the hype because you just feel so insignificant to that person afterwards. Maybe they were signing autographs and they treated you like a number. Like an obligatory signature because they were being paid to sit there. Or maybe, they talked to you for five mins and got the niceties out of the way, and they were gracious, but you had imagined something grand, and that five mins didn't compare to the reception you were hoping for in your head. Maybe, they were your favorite of something and you knew so much about them and somehow felt like they knew you, only to find out they were not in the least bit interested in anything about you. Your own insignificance staring you in the face. I realized on Sunday, this was how I pictured seeing my Savior. I pictured meeting him and him taking his five mins obligatory time to talk to me and moving on to more important/righteous people. How wrong I was. He is perfect, in every way. I was comparing him to mere mortal men who do not have the capacity to love me as he loves me. In a way that he knows my strengths and my weaknesses and he knows me better than I know myself. He wants to see me. He wants to spend time with me and he cares about the things I care about. I do not know when I bought into this idea that I was insignificant to him but at some point I did, and it stuck. I realized that I was comparing him to all the people who have let me down in the past. All the heartache I have felt, it would be no different. I know I was wrong. I see his hand in my life every day. I can name off blessings galore that I see in my life hourly and yet, somehow, someone was still able to convince me that I wasn't good enough for his love. I think this comes from a lack of understanding of who he is and of his Atonement. I want our meeting one day. to be a reunion of old friends. I want to know his face the second I see it. I want to feel his love in every aspect of my life and reflect that love in everything I do. Very rarely do I see myself the way he sees me. but I want to live my life so that I see others the way he sees them. That is charity. I want to feel that pure love of Christ. Then, and only then can I begin to understand his love for me. 

Irrational Fears

So I have some totally ridiculous irrational fears. To overcome such things, one should confess them right? So here goes. Please do not take this as an invitation to harass me with any of these though. I will be sad.
Irrational fear numero uno...escalators. They semi-terrify me. Probably for a whole number of reasons. First of all, my mother is a worst case scenario person at all times. So she frequently would let me know that things could get caught in there and pull your clothes off, or your hair, or worse your limbs. Secondly, I had a horrific experience one time when I was little and riding the escalator with my grandma. We were going up the escalator and I cannot recall exactly how it happened, perhaps hesitation and never having gotten on the escalator by myself. I'm pretty sure my grandma wasn't aware of this fact as she went up first and somehow I ended up riding the escalator on my back, feet first with them pointing towards the ceiling of the second floor. To add insult to injury, there was a little boy and his mom behind me and they were definitely talking and laughing at me. Where was my rescue party you ask? Who the heck knows. I cannot remember anyone helping me. Thanks G-ma. Third, in high school while running up the escalator to the store my friend worked in, I tripped and cut my knee pretty badly. I subsequently bled all over the store he worked at. Awesome.
Irrational fear numero dos...balloons. Particularly near my face. This doesn't have any cool story behind why I'm terrified of these. I just really don't like when they pop anywhere around my face. It's awful. I think possibly the anticipation of them popping is worse than anything but I hate it.
Numero tres...someone being in my shower. This is not even like a freaky person lurking in my shower waiting to kill me. It's a fear of people playing a trick on me and waiting in the shower. Either one actually. Haha, writing that down makes me chuckle. Who am I?
Ok, I think that's enough confessing for one blog post. That's too much fuel for everyone's fire.

First days of School

Can I just tell you how stinkin excited I am for this semester. I am literally not taking a single class I don't like. Here's my break down of classes. 

Psychology which I've taken already (thank you SVU for no credits counting), I've always loved this class so wasn't bummed I had to retake it. 

World Pre-history which is basically introduction to Archaeology so of course instant winner! Sitting in class listening to what we'll be learning literally makes my heart race with excitement just a little bit. Can I call it a burning in my bosom without being sacrilegious? 

Then we have English which I thoroughly enjoyed last semester so I'm expecting similar results. 

We come to Cultural Anthropology next which just seems fascinating, but the more I learn about the biological and archaeological aspects of anthropology, the more I'm convinced that's the area for me. 

And last but certainly not least we have Astronomy. Who knew I'd be so fascinated by space and the galactics. Certainly not this girl. I think I really like the way all life is tied in and it feels like the future while anthropology is focused on the past. 

Quite a rounded education, am I right?!?!?! It all just makes me so happy. Also, taking fifteen credits and 30 hours of work each week make me extremely tired. I'm pretty wiped out by 9 pm every night. Who am I?!?!?! 

Well for a little late night snack I will share with you lovelies a song that I'm quite enraptured with right now. Just beautiful and hopeful.

Also, enjoy this little piece of eye candy, taken by the beautiful and very talented Caitlin Moss.

Self Discipline

Here comes my obligatory New Year's resolutions blog post. There are a lot of things I want to work on in 2012. I feel like it's the year to do just that. I've started out the year pretty strong I'd say. I have only been out to eat twice in the past week, once to celebrate a good friend's birthday (totally justified), and once before I bought all those groceries. Goal one almost attained. I've also found that I really don't have a desire to buy food out. Now please don't tempt me and invite me out some place yummy. Yesterday I went to bed at 10:30 and woke up at 6:30. This was a little off my goal because I would like to wake up at 6am every day. Baby steps. Shelby and I have created a jar system for a vacation fund. We are going to make this the year of weekend getaways. I live in an outdoor paradise, I might as well be taking advantage while I live in the west. What should our first adventure be? I was dreading going to school this morning especially because I felt like I had had a temporary bout of insanity and registered for an 8am class. Getting home at 10 and not having to be at work until noon turned out to be fantastic though. I'm really excited about my world pre-history class as well. It's basically intro to archaeology and I've fallen in love already. My professor is from VA which makes me feel like we have a connection. A stretch but whatever. This is going to be a fantastic year I can just feel it. Bring it on!!!!!!!!