Those who know me well, know this about me already. I feel like I've been more open with this fact and more open with people in general as of late, but I feel like it is still something that I keep very close to me. I'm not sure why I feel the need to do that, but I do none the less. I have surprised many of my friends with this news either on accident or randomly when I wasn't expecting to. So here goes cyber world.
I'm divorced.
I was married for five years. A year of that was separation. I always thought it took longer in Utah to get divorced but according to everyone I've talked to, a year separation is a long time. It wasn't fun. However, I have learned things that I believe one can only learn from an experience like mine. My perspective on so much has changed because of this experience. Let's review the life lessons.
1. No one person is ever fully to blame for a situation. There will always be those things that you look back on and think, "man, I totally could have handled that better". There also are those things that you will acknowledge and say, "you know what, they might have been right". It's ok to admit where you went wrong. It's healthy.
2. You have to forgive. I'm not necessarily talking about forgiving the other person, I'm talking about forgiving yourself as well. When the time comes that you can acknowledge your role in the entire thing, it's important to forgive yourself. We are always doing the best we can with the situation we are given at the time. That's all we can ask of ourselves and others.
3. Love yourself. You cannot love and know someone else unless you know and love yourself. You can't let yourself get lost in the other person. That is not satisfying to you or to them for that matter.
4. Independence. I was not an independent person before I was married. I was definitely looking for someone to take care of me. Being independent and taking care of myself has been a big challenge but the most rewarding experience of my life. That might sound small and natural to someone else, but it amazes me every day the lessons I learn from that and the ways I've grown. This lesson pours into every aspect of my life and I'm grateful every day for it.
5. Family is so important. When you are crawling back home to live with your parents after your marriage fails, there is no more humbling experience. However, the support and love that you feel in doing so is such a comfort. I think the day after I separated from my husband is the only day of my life that my mom did not try and make me get out of bed. I gave myself a day to lay in bed and mourn, at the end of that day, my aunt asked to speak to me on the phone and her words of encouragement made me cry. They were the exact words that my heart needed to hear at the time.
6. Life is hard. There are days that you just want to be able to share a burden with someone else. It's tiring having everything on your own shoulders. Rewarding, but tiring. That's one of the biggest things I miss about being married.
7. Love is not all you need. Love is a wonderful all encompassing gift, however, love as we understand it is completely fabricated and is a foreign concept to much of the world. It has been said that any two righteous people can make a marriage work. I fully believe that. However, it takes selflessness and determination. You cannot throw in the towel when it gets tough, and it will get tough. You have to love the other person enough to realize that you want to work on it through thick and thin. You have to also keep doing the small things that let them know that you care.
8. You can't do it alone. I know it's cliche but marriage really is a three way agreement between you, your spouse, and the Lord. You can't do it without him because we are all selfish without him. Put him first and everything else will fall into place.
9. I'm ok without marriage. I know this sounds like I'm being too independent but really for the first time in my life, I'm completely ok with the fact that I could not get remarried. (This isn't my way of asking people to say 'oh no way, you'll get married again') I'm literally ok with the fact that I might not get remarried. I now know that my life will be awesome either way. My life is pretty great already. I have great friends, my family loves me, and I get to go on adventures that I only ever dreamed would take place. If it is in the cards that I get married again, great. Bring it on. If not, that's ok too, and that's a really liberating statement.
10. Be mindful. Do not pick people apart for their faults but pay attention to red flags. Red flags are called red flags for a reason. Do not just watch for red flags in another person but also for them in yourself. Pay attention to the way you are with the person. If your family or you do not like the person you are becoming, pay attention to that.
11. Do not look for perfect. Let's get real here, no one is perfect, obviously. However, this goes deeper than that. No one person can fulfill all your emotional needs, nor can they know what they all are if you do not tell them. They also probably will never be perfect. News flash, you're no picnic yourself. Instead of trying to pick apart how someone else is not good enough in some areas, try looking in the mirror and figuring out how you can improve yourself. Not to the point where you are self deprecating but enough that you are continually setting goals so that you are improving yourself. Turning that microscope on yourself will make you think twice before you pick a fight about that tiny pet peeve of yours that is probably something you do yourself.
This not an exhaustive list of the things I have learned, just a tiny portion. Life is the greatest teacher. Some days, I am not grateful for it's lessons. This is one of those days where I am. Some days I'm not sure it was all worth it. Others, I know it was.
