Mormon Feminist Protests

I know I have posted about the protests before but now the plan is to protest the Priesthood session of General Conference (that escalated quickly). The goal is to push the issue of ordaining women to the priesthood. I get questioned about this issue all the time. People assume because I have feminist tendencies (yeah that's what we'll call it) and I'm doing a study on plastic surgery among LDS women, that I must be on board with this issue. Well that's not the case at all. I have expressed my stance before on how I do not agree with feminism when it tears down men or tries to elevate women above men. This is not the point of feminism. Yes, a lot of feminists took this approach and even refused to speak to men for a while. How is that being effective in your approach at all? That's besides the point at this time. The point is, however much I agree that women are so much more than child bearers, I do not agree with the stance that they should have the priesthood. 

Let me explain why.

I have been asked, wouldn't you want to bless your baby? Wouldn't you want to hold your baby while your husband blesses your baby or stand in the circle with them?

My answer to both of these is, no. Why would I want to take away from an experience that my husband can have with his children. I think sometimes as women we forget that although we carried the baby, we nurse the baby, we are the primary caregiver of the baby, we are not the only one responsible for that baby. I know women who literally do not let their husbands help with the children. Ladies, let's give them their moment and realize that they want to be involved too. Child rearing was never intended to be a one person job. While yes, culturally we have become a very mother-centered society and a lot of children are being raised in single family households, but this is not ideal. I have been at my cousin's house when her husband came home from work and wanted to hold their baby. Their baby needed to be nursed and my cousin was exhausted from breast feeding all day. I mean seriously. All. Day. Her husband however wanted to hold his baby but he needed to be fed. Again. They decided to try having him hold the baby while she breast fed. Funniest scene I have seen in a while and hear me people, this does not work. For anyone. No one looked comfortable and able to relax, least of all the little one. So Dad had to wait on holding his child while Mom took care of his needs. How frustrating that must feel to the Dad when all he wanted was some quality time that Mom gets all the time. I mean literally, all, the, time. That's her role, Dad's role is to pronounce priesthood blessings. These are not the only roles but these are two that are pretty distinct ones and that is ok. By wanting the priesthood and wanting to be able to bless our children we are essentially telling the men in our lives, "We don't need you. Our children don't need you." Isn't this message a little counterproductive for our daughters as well as our sons? I know that I will probably be the one my children run to when they need to talk to someone or when they have a problem. Why would I take that special bond my husband can have with them away from him? What purpose would he serve if they did not need him to give them a blessing when mom could do it? How do I know this? Because I talk to my mom every day. Judge me all you want people, but when I have an issue, I run to my mom. That is not to say that I would not run to my Dad too but typically it has been my mom that I have run to. There have been times where my mom wasn't available and I have called my aunts. There is a relationship and bond that I have with these women that I do not have with the men in my life. Maybe it is because I am a woman, or perhaps it is because these women have been my mother, my second mother, my third mother, my support all along. I love my uncles but the relationship is not the same. My first thought when I need a blessing and I'm at home though is, I need to talk to one of my uncles. This brings us closer. Why would I want to take away from that part of my children's bonding with their father?

As an unmarried woman with no children do I feel diminished by not having the priesthood? No, absolutely not. Can a man give himself a blessing? No he cannot. He has to ask another person. I am no different. I understand that some have felt the sting of gender inequalities and sexism within the church. Let's call a spade a spade however and say that what we're fighting against is the culture of the people of the church and not the doctrine. When I ask my home teacher, or friend for a priesthood blessing, I am essentially asking him to serve me in some way. I have had some truly amazing experiences during these times. I have also have some remarkable experiences in the temple and outside of the temple that had nothing to do with the priesthood and I am entitled to these experiences just like my brethren in the church. Let us also remember ladies, that we are entitled to the same type of revelation and inspiration as the leaders of this church and that communion with our Heavenly Father is no respecter of gender. Let us focus on the doctrine and our personal relationship with our Savior and our Heavenly Father. At the same time, let us also remember what the entire purpose of our existence is and that is to return to our Heavenly Father, happy and exalted. 

This requires the new and everlasting covenant. This is a joint partnership that requires both the priesthood and us as women. By pushing for ordination we are essentially telling Heavenly Father that we think his plan is flawed. That we know better than him and that this whole marriage and covenant thing is pointless. We as women can do it on our own. If we received the priesthood, what would the point of that covenant be? Why would we need to be married to a man who holds the priesthood? There would be no point. We would be in and of ourselves our own autonomous being who has no need for a man other than to give us children which in this day and age, we don't really even need that. Without this covenant where does it leave men? Sorry for your luck gentleman but without us, you aren't getting posterity at all. Satan is constantly tearing apart our families. We do it to ourselves enough where divorce runs rampant in our society, why add to the further break down of this by telling our men that we no longer need them. Let's get real, good men are hard to find. Let's let the good ones know how much we appreciate them and value their contribution. The good men, do the same for us. 

Close to my heart

This is going to be a difficult post. It seems like heavy has been my content as of late, I'll try to change that up later, but this needs to be out there. Most people by now know that I was married before. What most people might not know, because I don't talk about her very often, was that I had a step-daughter. We got married when she was three and were divorced when she was eight. I miss her literally every day. I have a picture of her up in my room to remind me of that time in both our lives that we got to spend together. I do not talk about her often not because I don't want to, but because I literally hold her so close to my heart that it hurts to talk about her, and I feel that it would almost be the concept of casting pearls before swine. Not that I think any of you are swine, it's just a saying, or something like that. She's just my pearl, nothing personal. 

Through circumstances out of both of our control, Jennifer and I are not allowed to see each other. That's not the point of this post, the point is to share with the world the impact that one little girl has had on my life. Jennifer in so many ways is my hero. Jennifer was born prematurely and because of that she has cerebral palsy. Jennifer is eleven, almost twelve now and she is still in a wheelchair. That doesn't stop her from being the sweetest, most happy child you have ever been around. She is shy and reserved when you first meet her, but once you crack that shell, you will see that she has the sweetest personality that you will ever encounter. Life is not easy for her. Knowing she's different has not been easy, but Jennifer always approached it with the best attitude. I remember when she first started realizing that she was different than other children, and I asked her why she was different, she told me "because I haven't learned to walk yet". I will never forget the attitude she had towards her affliction. She had dreams of becoming a Doctor and she told me that despite being her Step-mom, I wasn't getting seen for free (so much for familial benefits, she loved to tease me). She would make fun of me for being afraid of getting blood taken, and would literally sit there and watch while they drew blood from her. She didn't cry, or scream, like most six year olds would have. She just watched and seem almost fascinated by the process. It is no wonder she was so interested in being a doctor, Jennifer has seen countless numbers of doctors, opthamologists, physical therapists, occupational therapists, speech therapists, etc. to help improve her abilities. I cannot even bring myself to schedule a regular check up with a doctor and she sees these people on a regular basis. It is routine to her. Her will to improve and push herself is amazing. She doesn't always like therapy, in fact sometimes she down right hates it, but she did it. She got better, and I was there through the process. For a time. 

Helping raise Jennifer has been my single most greatest achievement to date. She gave me a purpose when I felt I didn't have any. Her heart is so good and so sweet, I wish everyone could have a chance to meet Jennifer and know her the way I knew her. I remember one Halloween, we had her and had just finished taking her to the mall for trick-or-treating. (In my hometown the mall does trick-or-treating so you can take your kids indoors if you'd like, it's not weird) We came home and asked her if she wanted to go around our neighborhood. She didn't. All she wanted to do was sit on our porch and give out candy to other little kids. It was one of the sweetest experiences I can remember with her. She was so selfless and talked to all the little kids about what they were wearing for costumes and how cute they looked. She was happier giving out candy then she had been receiving it. 

Raising a child that is physically disabled is a challenge, but mostly because of the hardship that you watch them go through. Jennifer knew she could not go run and play with the other kids in quite the same way. One afternoon, we went to Chick-fil-a with my cousin and my sister and their kids. They have a play place in this particular one and it is mostly in tubes that run all across the ceiling. So Jennifer was sitting at the bottom with us, just watching the other kids play. She wanted so bad to be up there playing with the other kids, so I decided that is what she would do. I called four of the kids back down and told them their job was to get Jennifer to the top. So they got to work, two were pulling Jennifer's arms, one was yelling encouraging words to her from the top, and another one was pushing from behind. I was helping too of course. Jennifer ended up laughing so hard she could not even help them help her. The kids were determined to get her up there because as bad as she wanted to be up there, they wanted her up there with them. I ended up at the bottom just crying from pure happiness at seeing Jennifer happy. Her triumphs became my triumphs. 

It wasn't always easy. Jennifer and I are both very stubborn, it's what makes her as strong as she is. However, sometimes I think it meant that I was very hard on her. I probably got frustrated way more than I should have. I pushed her a lot and expected a lot out of her and that sometimes did not go over so well. Honestly, I did it out of love. I never wanted her to think or feel that she wasn't capable of absolutely anything she wanted to do. There would always be a way that we could find for her to do something. Unfortunately, I'm no longer in Jennifer's life. I'm sure that's more of a loss on my part than on hers. She has a wonderful mother that loves her, supports her, and lets her know just how wonderful she is.

But if I could teach Jennifer anything that would stick with her for the rest of her life it would be this: 

You are amazing and special in ways that I could never finish counting. You are capable of literally anything you put your mind to because you have accomplished more than most people your age, times a thousand. We do not learn anything from tests and trials that are easy. We learn from being thrown in the fire and seeing what we're made of. You are made of the very best stuff. You are beautiful, but beautiful is not just what you look like on the outside. True beauty is what is found within ourselves. Do not buy into the myth that the media portrays of beauty. You can be the most beautiful woman in the world and be the ugliest at the same time. You are beautiful both inside and out. However, do not let this define your worth. Do not define yourself by the labels that you wear, the number on the scale, the amount of boys that look your way, or the amount of people that tell you, you are beautiful. Know you are of worth because you are you. You are such a smart girl, do not let anyone quench the fire that is your desire to succeed. Do not let anyone tell you that you can't, because you can. There is a saying that if you educate and empower a woman, you change an entire village. I believe that, and believe me when I say, you impact everyone that has ever come into contact with you. Use that for good. Know that you will change lives by just being you. You've already changed mine.

Coming out of the divorced closet

Those who know me well, know this about me already. I feel like I've been more open with this fact and more open with people in general as of late, but I feel like it is still something that I keep very close to me. I'm not sure why I feel the need to do that, but I do none the less. I have surprised many of my friends with this news either on accident or randomly when I wasn't expecting to. So here goes cyber world.
I'm divorced.
I was married for five years. A year of that was separation. I always thought it took longer in Utah to get divorced but according to everyone I've talked to, a year separation is a long time. It wasn't fun. However, I have learned things that I believe one can only learn from an experience like mine. My perspective on so much has changed because of this experience. Let's review the life lessons.

1. No one person is ever fully to blame for a situation. There will always be those things that you look back on and think, "man, I totally could have handled that better". There also are those things that you will acknowledge and say, "you know what, they might have been right". It's ok to admit where you went wrong. It's healthy.

2. You have to forgive. I'm not necessarily talking about forgiving the other person, I'm talking about forgiving yourself as well. When the time comes that you can acknowledge your role in the entire thing, it's important to forgive yourself. We are always doing the best we can with the situation we are given at the time. That's all we can ask of ourselves and others.

3. Love yourself. You cannot love and know someone else unless you know and love yourself. You can't let yourself get lost in the other person. That is not satisfying to you or to them for that matter.

4. Independence. I was not an independent person before I was married. I was definitely looking for someone to take care of me. Being independent and taking care of myself has been a big challenge but the most rewarding experience of my life. That might sound small and natural to someone else, but it amazes me every day the lessons I learn from that and the ways I've grown. This lesson pours into every aspect of my life and I'm grateful every day for it.

5. Family is so important. When you are crawling back home to live with your parents after your marriage fails, there is no more humbling experience. However, the support and love that you feel in doing so is such a comfort. I think the day after I separated from my husband is the only day of my life that my mom did not try and make me get out of bed. I gave myself a day to lay in bed and mourn, at the end of that day, my aunt asked to speak to me on the phone and her words of encouragement made me cry. They were the exact words that my heart needed to hear at the time.

6. Life is hard. There are days that you just want to be able to share a burden with someone else. It's tiring having everything on your own shoulders. Rewarding, but tiring. That's one of the biggest things I miss about being married.

7. Love is not all you need. Love is a wonderful all encompassing gift, however, love as we understand it is completely fabricated and is a foreign concept to much of the world. It has been said that any two righteous people can make a marriage work. I fully believe that. However, it takes selflessness and determination. You cannot throw in the towel when it gets tough, and it will get tough. You have to love the other person enough to realize that you want to work on it through thick and thin. You have to also keep doing the small things that let them know that you care.

8. You can't do it alone. I know it's cliche but marriage really is a three way agreement between you, your spouse, and the Lord. You can't do it without him because we are all selfish without him. Put him first and everything else will fall into place.

9. I'm ok without marriage. I know this sounds like I'm being too independent but really for the first time in my life, I'm completely ok with the fact that I could not get remarried. (This isn't my way of asking people to say 'oh no way, you'll get married again') I'm literally ok with the fact that I might not get remarried. I now know that my life will be awesome either way. My life is pretty great already. I have great friends, my family loves me, and I get to go on adventures that I only ever dreamed would take place. If it is in the cards that I get married again, great. Bring it on. If not, that's ok too, and that's a really liberating statement.

10. Be mindful. Do not pick people apart for their faults but pay attention to red flags. Red flags are called red flags for a reason. Do not just watch for red flags in another person but also for them in yourself. Pay attention to the way you are with the person. If your family or you do not like the person you are becoming, pay attention to that.

11. Do not look for perfect. Let's get real here, no one is perfect, obviously. However, this goes deeper than that. No one person can fulfill all your emotional needs, nor can they know what they all are if you do not tell them. They also probably will never be perfect. News flash, you're no picnic yourself. Instead of trying to pick apart how someone else is not good enough in some areas, try looking in the mirror and figuring out how you can improve yourself. Not to the point where you are self deprecating but enough that you are continually setting goals so that you are improving yourself. Turning that microscope on yourself will make you think twice before you pick a fight about that tiny pet peeve of yours that is probably something you do yourself.

This not an exhaustive list of the things I have learned, just a tiny portion. Life is the greatest teacher. Some days, I am not grateful for it's lessons. This is one of those days where I am. Some days I'm not sure it was all worth it. Others, I know it was.