Close to my heart

This is going to be a difficult post. It seems like heavy has been my content as of late, I'll try to change that up later, but this needs to be out there. Most people by now know that I was married before. What most people might not know, because I don't talk about her very often, was that I had a step-daughter. We got married when she was three and were divorced when she was eight. I miss her literally every day. I have a picture of her up in my room to remind me of that time in both our lives that we got to spend together. I do not talk about her often not because I don't want to, but because I literally hold her so close to my heart that it hurts to talk about her, and I feel that it would almost be the concept of casting pearls before swine. Not that I think any of you are swine, it's just a saying, or something like that. She's just my pearl, nothing personal. 

Through circumstances out of both of our control, Jennifer and I are not allowed to see each other. That's not the point of this post, the point is to share with the world the impact that one little girl has had on my life. Jennifer in so many ways is my hero. Jennifer was born prematurely and because of that she has cerebral palsy. Jennifer is eleven, almost twelve now and she is still in a wheelchair. That doesn't stop her from being the sweetest, most happy child you have ever been around. She is shy and reserved when you first meet her, but once you crack that shell, you will see that she has the sweetest personality that you will ever encounter. Life is not easy for her. Knowing she's different has not been easy, but Jennifer always approached it with the best attitude. I remember when she first started realizing that she was different than other children, and I asked her why she was different, she told me "because I haven't learned to walk yet". I will never forget the attitude she had towards her affliction. She had dreams of becoming a Doctor and she told me that despite being her Step-mom, I wasn't getting seen for free (so much for familial benefits, she loved to tease me). She would make fun of me for being afraid of getting blood taken, and would literally sit there and watch while they drew blood from her. She didn't cry, or scream, like most six year olds would have. She just watched and seem almost fascinated by the process. It is no wonder she was so interested in being a doctor, Jennifer has seen countless numbers of doctors, opthamologists, physical therapists, occupational therapists, speech therapists, etc. to help improve her abilities. I cannot even bring myself to schedule a regular check up with a doctor and she sees these people on a regular basis. It is routine to her. Her will to improve and push herself is amazing. She doesn't always like therapy, in fact sometimes she down right hates it, but she did it. She got better, and I was there through the process. For a time. 

Helping raise Jennifer has been my single most greatest achievement to date. She gave me a purpose when I felt I didn't have any. Her heart is so good and so sweet, I wish everyone could have a chance to meet Jennifer and know her the way I knew her. I remember one Halloween, we had her and had just finished taking her to the mall for trick-or-treating. (In my hometown the mall does trick-or-treating so you can take your kids indoors if you'd like, it's not weird) We came home and asked her if she wanted to go around our neighborhood. She didn't. All she wanted to do was sit on our porch and give out candy to other little kids. It was one of the sweetest experiences I can remember with her. She was so selfless and talked to all the little kids about what they were wearing for costumes and how cute they looked. She was happier giving out candy then she had been receiving it. 

Raising a child that is physically disabled is a challenge, but mostly because of the hardship that you watch them go through. Jennifer knew she could not go run and play with the other kids in quite the same way. One afternoon, we went to Chick-fil-a with my cousin and my sister and their kids. They have a play place in this particular one and it is mostly in tubes that run all across the ceiling. So Jennifer was sitting at the bottom with us, just watching the other kids play. She wanted so bad to be up there playing with the other kids, so I decided that is what she would do. I called four of the kids back down and told them their job was to get Jennifer to the top. So they got to work, two were pulling Jennifer's arms, one was yelling encouraging words to her from the top, and another one was pushing from behind. I was helping too of course. Jennifer ended up laughing so hard she could not even help them help her. The kids were determined to get her up there because as bad as she wanted to be up there, they wanted her up there with them. I ended up at the bottom just crying from pure happiness at seeing Jennifer happy. Her triumphs became my triumphs. 

It wasn't always easy. Jennifer and I are both very stubborn, it's what makes her as strong as she is. However, sometimes I think it meant that I was very hard on her. I probably got frustrated way more than I should have. I pushed her a lot and expected a lot out of her and that sometimes did not go over so well. Honestly, I did it out of love. I never wanted her to think or feel that she wasn't capable of absolutely anything she wanted to do. There would always be a way that we could find for her to do something. Unfortunately, I'm no longer in Jennifer's life. I'm sure that's more of a loss on my part than on hers. She has a wonderful mother that loves her, supports her, and lets her know just how wonderful she is.

But if I could teach Jennifer anything that would stick with her for the rest of her life it would be this: 

You are amazing and special in ways that I could never finish counting. You are capable of literally anything you put your mind to because you have accomplished more than most people your age, times a thousand. We do not learn anything from tests and trials that are easy. We learn from being thrown in the fire and seeing what we're made of. You are made of the very best stuff. You are beautiful, but beautiful is not just what you look like on the outside. True beauty is what is found within ourselves. Do not buy into the myth that the media portrays of beauty. You can be the most beautiful woman in the world and be the ugliest at the same time. You are beautiful both inside and out. However, do not let this define your worth. Do not define yourself by the labels that you wear, the number on the scale, the amount of boys that look your way, or the amount of people that tell you, you are beautiful. Know you are of worth because you are you. You are such a smart girl, do not let anyone quench the fire that is your desire to succeed. Do not let anyone tell you that you can't, because you can. There is a saying that if you educate and empower a woman, you change an entire village. I believe that, and believe me when I say, you impact everyone that has ever come into contact with you. Use that for good. Know that you will change lives by just being you. You've already changed mine.